We've all said it: 'Be good.' It slips out when we drop our kids at school, before a playdate, or right as they walk into Sunday school. It's shorthand. It feels harmless. But what if those two little words are quietly setting up a performance trap that will take your child years to escape?
The Problem with Behavior-First Parenting
When we lead with 'be good,' we're unintentionally training our kids to believe that their value is connected to their behavior. Good behavior = good kid. Bad behavior = bad kid. It seems logical, but it's spiritually and emotionally toxic.
Here's the truth: Identity should drive behavior—not the other way around. When children know who they are (beloved, chosen, valuable), good behavior flows naturally. But when we make behavior the scorecard for their identity, we set them up for a lifetime of striving, people-pleasing, and shame.
"Children who feel loved unconditionally are more likely to internalize positive values and behaviors—not because they fear punishment, but because they feel secure."
Dr. Gordon Neufeld
What to Say Instead
Instead of 'be good,' try these identity-affirming phrases:
- 'Remember who you are.' This anchors them in their identity, not their performance.
- 'You belong to this family, no matter what.' Security before behavior.
- 'I love you—have fun!' Leading with love, not expectations.
- 'You're already good because God made you.' Pointing to their origin, not their output.
The Long-Term Impact
Children raised with identity-first language grow into adults who don't need external validation to feel okay. They take healthy risks because they're not afraid of failure. They offer grace to others because they've received it themselves.